Saturday, April 12, 2008

Those goddamn whales

Whales. Right whales. "Right" whales? Right. Don't make me laugh.

Right whale calf with mother
(Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution, 2008)
http://www.whoi.edu/
They get to be 60 feet. Hell, I didn't even get to be 6 feet. There I was at 12, playing first 'cause I was the tallest guy on my team. A first baseman! Throws right? Yeah, 'cause I could snag those high throws from our wild-ass third baseman. There I was, all set to shoot up into the stratosphere of manhood. Guess I didn't eat enough of those crusty-aceans or krill or whatever.

Damn those whales for getting to be so big.

And damn 'em 'cause they move so freakin' slow. Freakin' slug-slow. They're goddamn big. And in the goddamn way. 'Cause they're so goddamn big and slow. You know what it's like when you're stuck behind a friggin' semi doin' 45 on a one-lane 70 mph road. Just like that. As if they owned the road. Damn 'em. I pay my taxes for the goddamn road.

And I mean, this "road" we're talkin' about is a goddamn big important highway. Right past those big eastern seaboard ports. Man, we gotta get those big ships in and out. Our economy depends on it. Can't slow that down. Are you kidding? Put good honest people outa work? Raise prices for good, honest, hard-working people like you and me? Why the hell should we take that kind of punch in the gut? For some goddamn, port-blockading whales that are too goddamn slow and stupid to get outa the way?

A blockade! It's a goddamn blockade! Isn't that an act of war? D'ya expect us to take that like some kind of freakin' wimp? Let some goddamn port-choking slug declare war on our economy? Tell me how that's not like letting some kind of goddamn Arab terrorist run all over us. Come on. Tell me. Get outa their way? Go slow for them? Why the hell don't we just nuke 'em?

Get outa their way? Crap, give me a break. No one else is gonna get outa their way. No one else with any kind of sense. So why should we? Tell me. Why should we take the hit? Jeez. Anyone else with any kind of sense is just gonna sit back and laugh up their lunch at us. The free lunch that they got off us for bein' so freakin' stupid.

Get outa their way? What the hell do they do those hunks of blubber do for us? They don't pay any goddamn taxes. But they sure as hell make us pay more. Makin' the goddamn economy go down the goddamn toilet. Don't we have enough problems without having to worry about those goddamn freeloaders? They're not worth a dime. Not a dime. So few of them left, we wouldn't even notice if they all went off to the great whale happy hunting ground. Our economy would be the better for it. No doubt about it.

Ya know, if ya let those goddamn "right" whales get away with it now, they'll really get us "right". Right in the balls, I'd say. Not just with big ships. No. Want to have some fun on the water? Fishing? Just cruisin' around? Even whale-watching? Forget it, sucker. Too many goddamn blubber buses in the way. Get that? Huh? Get it? Can't even have the fun of watchin' the goddamn overgrown tons-of-blubber slugs. 'Cause it would hurt the poor little darlings. Don't make me puke.
Right whale and calf (Richard Ellis, 1980)
RichardEllisPrint


Those goddamn whales. Screw 'em!

Respectfully,
The White House Office of Management and Budget
The Georgia Ports Authority
The US Navy
The World Shipping Council
... and concerned economists everywhere

Dawn, S., "Even the Whales Have Their Predators: Ships", The New York Times, August 12, 2008 (http://www.nytimes.com/2008/04/12/us/12whales.html?ref=science)

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